build the monument

"i feel like a teenager all over again. i have these growing pains and i'm now trying to figure out who i am again," he turned to me while driving down sunset.

"don't you love it when that happens... those growing pains? i live for those moments," i responded, taking a sip of my coffee.

i had a wonderful weekend filled with old friends and lots of champagne. i did see a reoccurring theme though to which my advice was heeded (please note, by advice, i simply just listen until the person gets everything off his/her chest. i've noticed the more i listen to people (or rather, the more a person listens to themselves talk) the more questions are answered and more truth comes out into the light.

i shall summarize conversations:

1. chasing the ghost conversation : "how did you let go of him idalia when he such a big part of your life?" i began (yes, only began) to let go when i realized that the "person" i was in love with was in fact a ghost. the wonderful attributes that initially attracted me (his beliefs about the universe and philosophy, the way he sang off-tune with such commitment, his love for nature and adventure, his extensive knowledge of traveling and exploration, his unwavering faith...) were no longer a novelty. once that faded, i was left with a human (his lack of patience, his selfishness, his lack of emotional connection with his past/childhood...). hindsight always wears rosey-colored glasses. it was like going into a museum to find this breath-taking statue of adonis. you're so taken aback by his beauty, that you fail to notice he is all marble, and all cracked.

we also have to take into consideration the not only did this "person" become a ghost, but so did i. who i was five years ago is by no means who i am today. i have learned to grow, i am more patient now, i have a career that i cherish, i have life-long goals, i eat healthy, i read more, i am not attached to material possessions, i have a greater understanding and belief in my own faith.

and so the second that i let go of this ghost i noticed a shift in reality - as if the stars were aligning to my benefit. i found more and more people crossing my path with even greater attributes. the ghost was merely a stepping stone into pin-pointing what i look for in a partner. i found peace in myself and no longer had to look for it in someone else.

2. i hate it here conversation: my answer has always been simple and direct - then get the fuck out (excuse the french). you are only where you are in life because somewhere down the line you have chosen it. if you're unhappy of where you're working, or where you live or what you're doing then change. this is where i categorize people into two fields: 1. creatures of comfort versus 2. creatures of change.

a. creatures are comfort are the ones i find complaining. they are content only in the fact that they are "fine" but are ready to complain that things "aren't getting better." real conversation: "idalia, i swear i only go on dates with douchebags." i responded, "well of course you do, that's all the universe ever hears coming out of your mouth. you only get what you project."

but these are the people that have become so accustomed to bad dates, bad apartments, bad jobs that they expect that - they become comfortable with the familiar, however painful it may be.

b. creatures of change are the people that can pack up a suitcase, move 3,000 miles away from home, work their tush off and always look for the sunshine in the horizon. they are also the people that when not satisfied or when faced with injustice, speak up. they know the world is theirs for the taking - all they have to do is work a littler harder and sacrifice a little more. the world to them is not about short term goals, but the long term goals. they may have a date with a douchebag but have found the punchline in the joke.

3. i don't know what to do next conversation: follow your bliss, find you passion, put your peripherals on and move full steam forward. my mom called me earlier this week with a "a-ha" moment. she was able to pin point what has been keeping her back : a lack of passion. to her, having a family was her passion, and although a significant and selfless passion, it was not a personal one. it was at the mercy of other people (she divorced my dad, i moved across the country.. etc etc.) although she was not able to name one passion of hers, she was able to name three of mine that i exercise every week (if not daily).

so what's your passion? what would you do if you were guaranteed you wouldn't fail?

now the world begins to open up and listen.

dont half-ass it either. don't say your passion is yoga if you're not going door to door to every yoga studio asking if they're hiring. don't say your passion is acting if you're not taking workshops or performing in a play/show. movement, action, pro-activity and positivity is only the foundation. then comes the blood, sweat, and tears to actually build the monument that will be known as your life.

"i'm not a big fan of pain idalia. but i do know that the only way to build muscle is to tear it down."

i smiled back, "slash and burn. happens in life all the time, you gotta burn it all down before you can rebuild, and rebuild with something better."

25

25 random things you may or may not have known about me.

1. as a kid i had mild asthma and had an inhaler all the way up to college. in cross-country i would keep the inhaler in my shoe so no one would notice.

2. i took off my bottom braces pre-maturely and now i'm left with crooked lower teeth.

3. i always sleep with my baby pillow (the subject of many late night jokes).

4. i have travelled by car from coast to coast. even made a pit stop to roswell because i'm an area 54 nerd.

5. tequila is my choice o'poison.

6. favorite fiction book: the other side of midnight.

7. i've been playing the piano since i was 3.

8. zac efron is my celebrity crush.

9. i love white rooms with white wood.

10. cheap red wine always does the trick.

11. i go walking/running/jogging every morning and every evening.

12. hiking calms my soul.

13. i genuinely believe that good things happen to good people all the time.

14. i miss college and keg stands.

15. i'm always reading at least two books simultaneously.

16. i turn everything into a dirty joke.

17. my mother is the strongest woman i know.

18. my first car ever was a neon i named nelly. to this day, it's been my favorite ride.

19. i was always a year and a half ahead in school. i graduated highschool 2 months after i turned 17.

20. 17 has been my funnest age to date.

21. i do my praying and life affirmations in the shower. daily.

22. the first words out of my mouth every morning and last words every night is "thank you." i got that from my mom.

23. i'm a mean cook and love the kitchen. and i'm not humble about it.

24. i have absolutely no problem saying i was wrong. honesty and pro-activity have gotten me this far.

25. i have the most insane goals. i have no doubt i will surpass them.

meticulous mask

the beginning of the end of 2010 has commenced.

how does one let go of their insecurities?

for most people, their insecurities is what brings them down. it becomes their weight paralyzing them to move forward, to see the silver lining on each cloud.

however for me, my insecurities have always been the things that have brought me strength. i have cleverly masked them so meticulously that if you were to ask someone what my strengths are, they would in fact name my (secret) insecurities. so what becomes of it now?

the only way i could possibly explain what is stirring in my soul is as such: suppose my insecurity (or for conversation sake, my "fear") is heights. what do i do? i decide to take aviation classes, and within time i become a pilot. everyone knows me and praises me for my piloting skills - where deep inside (although proud and sadistically satisfied) i secretly crave land. but now it's too late. i'm air-borne.

i have been able to pin point my fears and cross them off my list. i've done so for such a long time that i have now forgotten what i enjoy. and the irony is now i've forgotten how to just let go.

i had an interesting dinner earlier this week which made me go home, sit on my couch, and in silence think for three straight hours. i wrote a lot and analyzed a lot. i've found that i just need to come to terms with what is not working in my life, and instead of challenging it, just let it be - to simply be with it without trying to hide it or fix it. most of all to have compassion for myself.

i had to put an end this week to something i've held dear for many years. maybe hope isn't always for the best. that freedom from hope is what really makes the world a beautiful place. i reached the end of my rope and i've not only closed the chapter, i have burned the book. i have thrown away this cocoon and now i will find strength in my wings. i will not fear flying.

this is an excerpt from one of my favorite books by antoine de botton "on love":

(please note gender change for sake of relating it to my personal preference)

how great can one be if one is understood by everyone?

i began to reinterpret his character, concentrating on sides i found least pleasant. he was in the end very selfish, his charms only a superficial veneer masking an unattractive nature. if he seduced people into thinking he was adorable, it had more to do with his amusing conversation and kind smile than any genuine grounds for love. others did not know him the way i did, and it was clear (although i had not realized it originally) that he was inherently self-centered, rather caustic, at times inconsiderate, often thoughtless, on occasion ungracious, impatient when he was tired, dogmatic when he wanted his own way...

yes. i do have feelings. and i have just shared a bit of it on the world wide web.