the ticket won't be free

Well, I survived Miami for three weeks.

It’s funny what going home does for you – when you go back for a significant amount of time. 2010 I dedicated to my career. I always aim to work harder, faster, and (although do not aim for it, but subsequently) longer hours. I’ve succeeded and I’ve failed at many things this past year, but my accomplishments certainly surpass anything I would ever deem as a “disappointment.”

I tried to make the past year the best possible. In order for me to make myself the best or to make the best out of something, I always find I take big risks, and in turn, big mistakes. The return in my investment is always higher than what I paid for it, but my question here is when will it stop?

There are two kinds of people that move away from their hometown: 1. The runners and 2. The chasers. I always considered myself the chaser of opportunity, luck, and passion. I never considered myself as running away from my past or from a life I no longer cared for. In this trip though, there was a hint of a spark of… what if I’ve just been running?

I’ve met up with old friends who never fail to show me a good time, a good talk, and a good drink. I’ve bumped into people I haven’t seen for years that didn’t even recognize me… “Wow! You look great!” and just like that my 14year old self comes creeping out of my heavily locked heart. My insecurities come fluttering out making my knees shake as I politely answer, “thanks” whilest thinking “I was in love with you in high school and you never bothered to look twice at me.”

And then I met up with people who I’ve always put in a pedestal to find that we’re all human. We all fuck up. And sometimes it hurts. The caller id no longer remembers the person’s name. “We’re just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl year after year.” I repeat my previous question: When will it stop?

When will I stop picking at the ghost of Christmas past?

As far as 2011, I don’t even know where to begin. I only know that the decisions we make on a daily basis are what shape our lives. And sometimes these decisions could be not deciding at all. Sometimes the course of history is changed because we were too busy looking away from something we really loved and needed…. The glitter of what we want is what distracted. So this year I can only make myself the promise of to never be to busy to look at the wonderful things that are in front of me; to have the courage to enter the latter years of my twenties as a compassionate, loving, respectful, and unapologetically successful woman; to slowly chip away the walls that once protected me and allow a general admission to my grounds.

The ticket won’t be free though.