meticulous mask

the beginning of the end of 2010 has commenced.

how does one let go of their insecurities?
for most people, their insecurities is what brings them down. it becomes their weight paralyzing them to move forward, to see the silver lining on each cloud.
however for me, my insecurities have always been the things that have brought me strength. i have cleverly masked them so meticulously that if you were to ask someone what my strengths are, they would in fact name my (secret) insecurities. so what becomes of it now?
the only way i could possibly explain what is stirring in my soul is as such: suppose my insecurity (or for conversation sake, my "fear") is heights. what do i do? i decide to take aviation classes, and within time i become a pilot. everyone knows me and praises me for my piloting skills - where deep inside (although proud and sadistically satisfied) i secretly crave land. but now it's too late. i'm air-borne.
i have been able to pin point my fears and cross them off my list. i've done so for such a long time that i have now forgotten what i enjoy. and the irony is now i've forgotten how to just let go.

i had an interesting dinner earlier this week which made me go home, sit on my couch, and in silence think for three straight hours. i wrote a lot and analyzed a lot. i've found that i just need to come to terms with what is not working in my life, and instead of challenging it, just let it be - to simply be with it without trying to hide it or fix it. most of all to have compassion for myself.

i had to put an end this week to something i've held dear for many years. maybe hope isn't always for the best. that freedom from hope is what really makes the world a beautiful place. i reached the end of my rope and i've not only closed the chapter, i have burned the book. i have thrown away this cocoon and now i will find strength in my wings. i will not fear flying.

this is an excerpt from one of my favorite books by antoine de botton "on love":
(please note gender change for sake of relating it to my personal preference)
how great can one be if one is understood by everyone?
i began to reinterpret his character, concentrating on sides i found least pleasant. he was in the end very selfish, his charms only a superficial veneer masking an unattractive nature. if he seduced people into thinking he was adorable, it had more to do with his amusing conversation and kind smile than any genuine grounds for love. others did not know him the way i did, and it was clear (although i had not realized it originally) that he was inherently self-centered, rather caustic, at times inconsiderate, often thoughtless, on occasion ungracious, impatient when he was tired, dogmatic when he wanted his own way...

yes. i do have feelings. and i have just shared a bit of it on the world wide web.


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